


grif squared

by relationshipcrimes



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Explicit Sexual References, F/M, M/M, Other, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 12:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15291843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/relationshipcrimes/pseuds/relationshipcrimes
Summary: Fusion AU. Grif tries to tell his sister he's dating Simmons. He's always had a hard time expressing his love for other people.





	grif squared

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Prim_the_Amazing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/gifts).



When Red Team has all gotten used to Kai being around again, badgered her a bit to figure out how much and what they can tease her about, and Sarge and Donut have drifted off to somewhere else in Red Base, Grif shoots Simmons a significant look. Simmons, bless him, does exactly what he’d wanted him to do, and lingers in the Red Base common room with Grif and Kai. Grif feels his stomach do something funny at that, knowing how much they’re on the same wavelength, not just when they’re fusing but nearly all the time, nowadays.

“Hey, uh, Kai,” says Grif.

“Hm?”

Then Grif immediately hates his entire life, because “telling” Red Team that Grif and Simmons were a couple was never actually telling anyone anything; Simmons just started coming out of Grif’s room in the morning and taking two cups of coffee when he went back in, and literally nobody made any comment a) because most of them were convinced they’d been sleeping together since Blood Gulch and b) everyone suspected that Simmons would burst into a million pieces of newly-out-of-the-closet insecurity if anyone so much as looked at him funny, and c) because most of Red Team genuinely, unironically didn’t care if Grif and Simmons were boning, preferring instead to care about, as Sarge put it, “the big guns,” like what brand of tuxedo they’d wear on their wedding day, and if their wedding vows were going to be personalized, and if Sarge was allowed to have the groom and groom be married over Sarge’s shotgun instead of a bible.

 _The point being_ , Grif and Simmons were functionally out without having ever had to come out to anyone, ever. Without even having to come out to each other, even.

And now Grif really wants Kai to know, but he doesn’t want to have to fucking use his words and say _hey I think Simmons and I are dating_ because Grif never fucking learned how to say he loves someone to their face, and everything is so difficult all the time.

Kai looks at him funny. “Uh, earth to Dex? What?” And when the awkwardness goes on, she says, “Seriously, what’s up with the ominous silence?”

“Should I like, give you two a minute...?” Simmons asks.

“Don’t you dare, I know you’re only trying to escape,” Grif says.

“I mean! Yes!” says Simmons grumpily. “I _will_ admit that it’s _kind_ of awkward, but even moreso awkward for me because I’m not exactly family? You can’t tell me that it wouldn’t help you too, if you’re going to have an awkward heart-to-heart with your sister—”

“Yuck. Dex and I don’t _do_ heart-to-hearts,” says Kai. “We do like, a sibling hug that transmits feelings. And sometimes fistbumps!”

“That’s true,” says Grif.

Simmons looks at Grif with his eyebrows raised. “So you’re gonna give her a fistbump that somehow tells her about you-know-what?”

“Ooh, I _don’t_ know what,” says Kai, looking like she knows exactly what, and is utterly gleeful about it, like the shit-eating little sister she is. “Tell me, tell me!”

“Just. Give me a minute,” says Grif.

“You also don’t have to,” says Simmons. “Totally supportive over here, super support, and the support isn’t going to be upset if you just don’t wanna have this conversation.”

“I’m gonna do it,” says Grif, with gritted teeth.

“Seriously! I can give you your space,” says Simmons. “I can be supportive that way, if you need me to.”

“I don’t need space! I’ve got plenty of space! Oodles and noodles of space!”

“Okay! Great!” says Simmons.

There’s a pause.

“Soooooo…” says Simmons.

“It’s not exactly _easy_ ,” says Grif.

“You open your mouth and you say words, dummy,” says Kai.

“Yeah, what she said!”

“If it was that easy, why don’t you do it?” Grif complains.

“MMMMMMMMMMMMMM no that’s okay! Totally fine over here, thanks!”

“Then don’t rush me!”

“Yeah, don’t rush him,” says Kai, her chin on her hand, grinning widely. “What happened to being supportive, Simmons?”

“I am being supportive! By giving Grif his space!” says Simmons, and then freezes. “Oh my god. Am I being a flake? Is this what flakes do? Grif, am I actually leaving you out to dry?!”

“Yes, yes, and yes,” says Grif.

“Oh my god,” says Simmons, horrified. “I’m actually doing the opposite of what I wanted to do by doing the opposite of what I thought I shouldn’t do. Grif, why didn’t you tell me I’m being an unsupportive boyfriend?!”

“Like, I’m pretty sure he just did that,” says Kai.

“Have I always been an unsupportive boyfriend and just nobody was telling me?” Simmons cries.

“Hey, relax!” says Kai, two millisecond before Grif was going to do the exact same thing. Maybe they both have a built-in sensor for when Simmons is about to combust into insecurity. “It’s like, _totally_ easy to become a supportive boyfriend, anyway. Just like—okay.” Kai uncrosses her legs, uncrosses her arms, wiggles into her seat, sets out her hands like she’s laying down facts. “Listen. The first thing you have to do is imagine a really nice bra.”

Simmons hesitates. “Wh… what does a nice bra look like?”

“Oh my _fucking_ god!” Kai cries, smacking him. “You useless gay bastard! Have you _never_ seen a bra before?!”

“Ow! Stop! I washed my squad’s laundry back at Chorus but they all had sports bras and also I don’t do Carolina’s laundry because I don’t want Carolina to kill me!”

“Mm, Carolina,” says Kai, and waggles her eyebrows. “She could kill me _any_ day, if you know what I mean.”

“What does Carolina’s bra have to do with Simmons being a douchestick who won’t help me come out to my sister,” says Grif grumpily.

“Right! Right right right, back on track. Okay, you know what makes boobs do that delicious pudding-cup jiggle?”

“The what?” says Simmons.

“The—” Kai cups her own breasts from the underside and bounces them at Simmons. Simmons shrieks like she’s shown him a live snake. Grif makes a strangled noise and smacks Kai, but she doesn’t even blink. “So the trick is,” Kai says like Simmons isn’t cowering in fear and she isn’t waving her breasts at her brother’s boyfriend, “is the _support_. And a good bra doesn’t just have good support, but _firm_ and _supple_ support! Hard enough that the boob can keep its shape and do the jiggly goodness in the right way without sagging, but flexible enough that it’s not like, a fucking corset or something misogynistic like that. Got it?”

“I—um—should I—be taking notes?” Simmons stammers. “On your _boobs_? Like this sounds like legitimate advice but oh god why did you have to phrase it this way—I don’t even have paper and pen?!”

“Just remember,” says Kai. “Firm and supple. Like a good bra. Oh! Also like a good bra: chains and leather are uncomfy, so make it worth it for your relationship when you wear it!”

Simmons scrambles for the kitchen notepad.

Then Kai settles back into her chair, like a smug, fat cat, and says, “So you two are boyfriends, huh?”

Grif freezes. Simmons freezes.

“Uh,” says Grif, who’s firstly had entirely forgotten the point of this stupid conversation was somehow, and secondly had never actually heard another person besides himself and Simmons use the word “boyfriend” in relation to them. It was always “you two” or “those lovebirds” or even just “Grimmons,” like they were one person even when they were unfused. (That one is Grif’s favorite. He’ll take that secret to his grave.)

Grif clears his throat. “Uh, yep. Yeah. That’s… Boyfriends." And they might really actually be boyfriends, but it's still absolutely fucking mortifying to admit out loud, so Grif looks down and scratches his neck and says, "...Yeah.”

Simmons elbows him.

“What?!” says Grif unhappily. “Don’t look at me like that! Aren’t you supposed to be being a bra or something?”

“I _am_ being supportive! I’m just pointing out that that wasn’t a human sentence!”

“If this is about you not being straight, I got that memo like, when you were _fifteen_ and you made out with our teacher’s son in our bathtub,” says Kai.

Grif chokes. Simmons looks mortified on Grif’s behalf and also _way_ too curious. “Well—I just—” Grif fumbles.

“Wait wait wait go back to the thing about the bathtub,” says Simmons.

Grif ignores him. “Look, Kai, I just thought it was important for you to know.”

“Yeah, that’s fair. If I were in your place, I would _totally_ immediately announce to everyone that I was getting laid on the regular with a cyborg redhead,” says Kai, with an overly-friendly wink at Simmons. “Just letting you know, Dex, you have some fucking _excellent_ taste.”

Simmons blushes furiously. “O-okay, now that that’s done, I’m just going to leave you two to your touching sibling reunion!” Simmons says loudly. “So you can transmit your feelings or whatever through a sibling fistbump and Kai _please_  don't even do that thing with your breasts again YEAH OKAY BYE.” And Simmons scrambles out the door.

“I change my mind. Your boyfriend is a spoilsport. Can't even handle a pair of breasts,” Kai says. “And like, geez, way to rub it in that I’m still single? Dex, be a bro and hook me up with one of your friends who has more than three brain cells.”

Grif says something like “Uhhhhhhhhh” because there’s no real “chill” and “apathetic” way to say that he’d wanted to introduce Kai to—aw, fuck—Grif hadn't wanted to 'rub it in that Kai is still single', and in fact Grif had wanted to introduce the two most important people in his life who could very well be in-laws one day because of him.

“Dex?” Kai says.

“What?” says Grif.

Kai puts her feet on the couch and kicks him in the thigh.

“Ow! Fuck! You’re _such_ a shitty little sister sometimes, you know that?!”

“Give it to me straight, Dex,” says Kai. “Or like, gay or whatever label you’re up to nowadays. Is the Simmons thing serious or what?”

Grif stays quiet for a moment, chewing on when he’d lost the ability to share the most vulnerable parts of himself without fear, and he already knows that it was when the simtrooper program said that he couldn’t write letters home to Kai and stuck him instead with a bunch of Red Team losers who thought it was funny to make fun of everything he said. He used to be able to say anything to Kai, even when he resented her for being their mother’s favorite child. He hasn’t seen Kai in forever, and in so many ways they feel like two strangers, because Kai’s become someone else while he wasn’t looking. So has Grif. But Kai still _feels_ familiar, enough for Grif to remember when Kai and Dex were each others’ secret-keepers.

“Kinda,” Grif mumbles.

“Kinda serious or kinda not?” asks Kai.

“Kinda serious.”

“Is that a kinda serious kinda serious, or a _serious_ serious kinda serious?”

Grif rolls his eyes. “A serious serious kinda serious.”

Kai’s whole face splits into a smile. Not a shit-eating grin or a flirty wink, but a hopeful, ecstatic smile that goes from ear to ear. “Oh _shit_ ,” she whispers. “First we finally got back together after like a billion years apart, and you’ve gone and fallen in love while I wasn’t looking and you’re gonna get _hitched_?!”

“SHHHHHHH,” Grif hisses, like her saying it aloud would jinx it. “No! Nope! Don’t say anything about that! I’m not even _thinking_ that! Keep your mouth shut! It’s just serious, end of sentence!”

“OH MY GOD DEX,” Kai hollers on the top of her _fucking lungs_. “DEX I’M SO FUCKING _HAPPY_ FOR YOU! OH HOLY FUCK MY BROTHER’S IN _LOVE_!”

“ _KAI!_ ”

“I’M SO FUCKING GLAD YOU’RE ALIVE AND ALSO NOT A CRIMINAL AND WE’RE TOGETHER AND I CAN HUG YOU!”

“You can wha—”

And then she launches herself across the couch and nearly knocks him off, hugging him tight around the stomach, kicking her feet like a little girl excited on Christmas morning. “Ow ow ow ow why are you so _strong_ ,” Grif complains, but she just squeezes him tighter.

Kai is always like that—unafraid to tell people she loves them, celebratory in showing it. Maybe Kai figured that _one_ of the Grifs had to be that way. “Man, it was _such bullshit_ with all those news stations saying you guys were wanted criminals,” Kai complains.

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

“I thought you were gonna go to space jail or something.”

“Kimball would probably fight the whole UNSC over it.”

“Oh, that’s hot,” says Kai, and Grif groans. He can feel her grin as she ducks her face into his shoulder. “Shit, Dex. You’re alive and in true fucking love. I’m so glad you’re okay.”

They haven’t really been perfect siblings to each other. On some other day, Grif will overanalyze it and be really fucking bitter about it—mostly at himself, which is a lot harder to forgive than if she’d been the shittier sibling. But right now, Grif’s just spent a couple weeks on a moonbase alone, then hitched a ride with a mass murderer who was kinda cool, and then saved all his friends, and then reunited with his sister, and then came out to his sister, and it was kind of all really great, actually—everything that happened after he left the moonbase, that is. He can count the number of times he’s really, truly glad to be alive and kicking on his fingers. He can honestly say that he’s glad Kai’s here.

With a little less hesitance than he did when Kai first stepped off the Chorus ship and launched herself at him, Grif puts his arms around her, and says, “Yeah, me t—”

Things slip sideways. Kai and Grif are both different people from before Grif went off to the UNSC, but fusing is still familiar.

 

* * *

 

 

“Jus’ ‘cause you’ve gone and fused back into your Grif-squared abominable terror, doesn’t mean you can come in here and take away m’stories!” Sarge yells. “You’re half a Blue! I won’t stand to surrender the TV to a dirty Blue!”

Dexkaina’s head brushes the top of the (very high) common room ceiling as they wrestle Sarge for the remote. “And wear more clothes!” Sarge wails, shoving the remote deeper into the couch cushions and looking away from Dexkaina’s muscle tee and tiny yoga shorts.

“Don’t oppress me, old man! Just hand over the fucking remote!” Dexkaina cries.

“I won’t let you watch porn in the living room!”

“Oh my god, who do you think I am? Why the fuck would I watch porn when I’ve got my own damn sex tapes? I don’t _want_ your TV, just change the fucking channel or lower the volume! You know how _unsexy_ Wheel of Fortune is? How am I supposed to seduce anyone in this common room this way?”

“You keep your hands off Lopez!” Sarge warns.

“ _Lopez_ ? Okay, first of all, you don’t run my life, old man, don’t tell me which robot dick I can or can’t have! And _second_ of all, if I want robot dick, I’ll fucking ask Simmons! Which isn’t going to fucking happen if you’re playing game shows at top volume because you’re going deaf!”

Sarge chokes. “I—I don’t need to know this information about Simmons! Begone, sexy Grif demon in tiny booty shorts! The power of your superior compels you!”

“You’re the one who replaced Simmons’s whole ass with robot bits!” Dexkaina pauses, thinks about this. “And like, Grif wouldn’t admit this out loud, but _totally_ thanks for that, by the way,” and Dexkaina gives Sarge a wink.

Sarge attempts to bury his entire body in the couch cushions. “STOP TALKING, GRIF TEMPTRESS.”

“Maybe Simmons will let Lopez join if I ask,” Dexkaina wonders, apparently forgetting about the TV remote. “Then we can have _two_ robot dicks… If I’m two people, does that qualify as a threesome or a foursome?”

“HHHHHHH SIMMONS,” Sarge yells, clutching the TV remote in fear. “SIMMONS, STOP THE GRIF DEMON FROM TELLING ME INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE SO I CAN WATCH WHEEL OF FORTUNE IN PEACE.”

“Please, you think _this_ is sex life info? I haven’t even gotten started!” Dexkaina scoffs. “Do you want me to? Because like, I could go on for _days_ about the noises Simmons makes, they’re _so_ fucking adorable? Like, did you know his nipples are _super_ delicate? And Grif’s been meaning to get a tongue piercing for like forever except he’s a chicken about needles, but _Kai_ has a tongue piercing, and the tongue piercing made it through the fusion, SO LIKE, _obviously_ the natural conclusion is to take that shit out for a test drive and see if—”

“ _SIMMONS PLEASE_ ,” Sarge hollers.

“No, don’t call him yet! First, turn your terrible old man shows off, then I have to make some super unhealthy dinner for us to split for our date, then I have to sweep him off his feet and seduce him—which is why you have to turn your fucking Wheel of Fortune off—anyway, _then_ we have a candlelit picnic on the beach, and then we _fuck_ on the bea—”

“SIMMONS GODDAMMIT DON’T MAKE ME GIVE UP THE TV REMOTE TO A BLUE!”

Dexkaina’s entire face is split into a terrible, filthy, shit-eating grin. “No, no no no, this is good, having a sounding-board for all these ideas!  See, Grif just fell ass-backwards into the relationship the first time, and Kai usually just winks at a hot lady at a bar enough times until she gets the memo; but _I_ wanna get it _right_ this time. _I_ get the chance to seduce Simmon’s pants off all over again, and _I_ know what he likes, so _fuck yes_ I’m gonna make it good. Sarge, what do you think about nipple clamps on a first date?”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,” says Sarge, which is what finally gets Simmons to skid into the common room.

Dexkaina’s eyes lock onto Simmons. Which, obviously, is a not very ideal first meeting, that Simmons would walk in on Dexkaina when they’re wearing an outfit that’s not _nearly_ slutty enough and bullying Sarge over his game show choices, but Dexkaina is, if nothing else, an opportunist who can roll with the punches. Dexkaina immediately leans over the couch, shoves a giant hand over Sarge’s wailing mouth, and says, smooth as butter without breaking eye contact with Simmons: “Hey, handsome. You come here often?”

Simmons, who has literally never been flirted with, never been called a pet name by Grif outside of sex, never acknowledged his relationship with Grif in public and _certainly_ not in front of _Sarge_ , panics. He bolts.

“NO BABE COME BACK,” Dexkaina cries, and scoops him up into a twirling hug that lifts Simmons off the ground. Simmons squeaks like a dog toy.

“Oh holy shit, you’re so _small_ now! I’m finally taller than you are! C’mon, Simmons, I’ve got _so_ many ideas—babe, please stop struggling, I have a fucking _fantastic_ first date planned, it’s going to be fucking _awesome_ and probably include firebeathing and nipple tassles?”

Simmons makes a mortified noise and hides his face in Dexkaina’s chest. Sarge starts snickering. “What the fuck is going on,” Simmons whimpers. “You weren’t like this when you fused at Blood Gulch?!”

“Yeah, well! Grif loves you like a lot? But he loves you,” Dexkaina plants a loud, lipsticky kiss on Simmon’s cheek “—even _more_ now. And if there’s one thing I know, it’s that life is too fucking short to not let people know you love them! Simmons, can I call you Cinnamon in public? Please, babe? Oh, holy shit, can I hold your _hand_ in public?” And before Simmons can respond, Dexkaina leans in right next to Simmons’s ear and whispers, “Can I blow you in public?”

“Whatever it is you just said, you take your disgusting couple PDA out of here,” Sarge yells.

“Fuck off, you sexy old fox!” Dexkaina yells back. Back to Simmons: “Have you ever done that thing where someone blows you under a table while you try to keep a straight face? Actually, no wait, we have to have our first date first. We’re gonna drive to the beach, take a box of pizza and a couple beers, get to know each other with a long walk on the beach, have a long, lazy fuck in the sun on the empty beach…”

Dexkaina’s voice is low, their face right up next to Simmons’s, one huge arm wrapped around Simmons’s waist. Dexkaina folds Simmons’s hand in one of theirs, grin absolutely shameless.

“Do you know how many sex organs I’ve got in my pants? And I’m fucking _huge_ now, and not just in a height way. I'm gonna break you in half, babe. Blue Base will hear you screaming my name. Guarantee it’ll be the _best_ first date you’ve _ever_ had.” Dexkaina leans in close, like a familiar lover, like a wild stranger in a bar, all of Grif’s confidence and Kai’s boldness: “I’m gonna show you and everyone on this fucking moon _exactly_ how much I love you.”

 

* * *

 

 

Simmons bursts into Donut’s bedroom, where Donut is hogging Red Base’s only computer. “Donut I need that computer right now!” Simmons cries. “I need to google if it’s weird to fuck your boyfriend while he’s fused with his sister!”


End file.
